I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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