he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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