I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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