I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
