do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
We got so high we made milksteak
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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