The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
