so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
