you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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