I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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