You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
