you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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