im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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