I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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