I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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