now i know why i became what i already was.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
