I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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