you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
