guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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