I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
