I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
