My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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