The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
