paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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