Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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