I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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