My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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