It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
