I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
