a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
