i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Randomize
