So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
