she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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