Your favorite bartender is back from prision
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
