I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
