I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
