I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Sober January is a disaster.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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