I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Maybe he injected his testicle?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
