Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
