I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
