you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
