Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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