What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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