I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
