I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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