dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
