Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Gay?
German.
Pity.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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