In America we eat man semen.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
