i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
