You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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