Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
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