She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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