My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
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