everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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